Jewish Guilt in overload

I am overwhelmed at times at hard things are for Ryan and how hard it is for me to make it all happen for her. She is such a good girl and so eager to please that it is hard for me to have to set up boundaries that she does not even try to cross, she is not allowed and that is that. I admire her so much for that ability and know one day it is going to kick me in the butt on the rebound of a hard nosed, hard headed stubborn teenager with single minded determination. How my love for her deepens and the pain of what she endures on a day to day basis eats away at me. My poor Ry, my little butterfly. yet I keep trying to keep it in perspective that this is not a debilitating disease, she still comes home to me every night, she is not in any pain but just faced with having to feel like she does not belong in her world, that she is so different from those who surround her. She is different, so different from them, she is not a spoiled brat, she sees the world outside of herself and is just a great little girl with a zest for life. I do treasure her and am grateful for every moment that I am fortunate to have her in my life. She is a gentle soul with a heart of gold and a creative edge that wows me.

I find that this has just floored me, usually i plan and organize, this whole food thing is a spanner in the works, the ease with which I keep my world turning is that I don't play the martyr, I do what I can, I throw dinner together or serve the kids chicken nuggets, Josh is a big boy and can take care of himself, the weeks I work, the housekeeper either defrosts something I have made or the kids can have cereal, fruit and yoghurt for dinner, I can't do everything and don't try to.

The problem is there is very little convenience food that is both dairy and gluten-free, what there is, is disgusting and so I am reduced to having to make everything from scratch and get mega creative, substituting brown rice flour, etc. It has been a task that is exhausting because although I know she is missing out I do not want Ryan to know that she is. Who knew there were so many versions of rice and how versitile an ingredient it is. I remember Oswald Mitshali (sp?) wrote a book "sounds of a cowhide drum" one of his poems was on bread and it involved a worker really digging into the bread, the last line really stuck with me, when he says, why man can live on bread alone. Considering it is one of the staples in africa and rice the staple in africa, my child exists on rice alone. She is flourishing, doing great and she is my little hero..............